What a year, what a year.
2009, everyone seems glad to see the back of you - me, I'm ambivalent.

I had some great successes this year - I passed all the entry tests for the Fire Service. Sadly I was pipped to the post for a job though.
I came over all brave and had laser eye surgery - hope that pays off...
My climbing came on leaps and bounds.
We bought a camper van, and kitted it out ourselves.
I finally went to Fontainbleu, and to Orkney - two places I love and will be returning to.
Plus. I got a new job - which I start in two weeks.

2009, you weren't so bad at all.
And if you were, I've forgotten all of the shitty bits already.

Vignette: on being a feminist

Context: I've just been offered a job with a charity that works with disadvantaged young women. I think this is pretty rad, so I was telling my boyfriend all about it last night...

Me: It's going to be great to work somewhere where being a feminist is actually a good thing!
Him: Being a feminist is always a good thing.
Me: Haha, I wish everyone thought like you.

This weekend I...

• Took 4 hours to get from Nottingham to Sheffield via the M1. The motorway was closed because of an accident
• Saw a pheasant explode under the wheels of a car
• Lost a false tooth when I 'held' the rope in my mouth as I was about to clip at the climbing wall. Luckily it came off into my mouth and was not lost forever
• Made my wrists and elbows ache bouldering in the cold at Burbage North
• Enjoyed my last days of climbing outdoors for a while - I'm going to be out of the game for a month after having laser eye surgery this week.
• Eek.

The universe is in control. Is out of control.
I might try and choose my destination, attempt to plan my route, but forces outside of my control affect the path and influence the outcome.
Employer
Financial system
Environment.

A fork in the road.

On the way to work this morning I was caught gurning in frustration at myself by a Paul O'Gady look-a-like.

While out running before work I was also spotted dancing on a pedestrian island (while waiting for traffic to pass - not just for fun).

Coffee - cheaper than food and an appetite surpressant.
Good news to the hungry and broke among me. Will I survive until dinner on one cup alone?

What do you do when you don't want to do the the thing you're doing anymore...
And you realise that what you really want to do is so far out of reach because of damned genetics...
And you don't know what else to do...
Because there is nothing else and there never has been?

Is this the correct time to have a quarter life crisis?

I wish I ran a music review blog, where I reviewed surf punk cds all day long, and record labels sent me free stuff.

First off, I need to learn the art of reviewing.

I love this time of year, when you have to start digging your winter coats and jumpers out.

When spring comes you tend to abandon all those wintery comforts double quick and embrace the 'hot' weather, even before it arrives. The coats, hats and woolies are bundled away - not touched for months. Then when the temperature dips you rediscover them, slip them on a snuggle down against the chilly wind.

It's not quite the same rediscovery in the summer. I shed layers and find my summer clothes underneath - I've been wearing them all winter long for insulation!

Well, I realised I'm not a rich 15 year old, so decided not to 'invest' in pleather or ludicrously overpriced anythings. I also failed in my other task - birthday present buying. And I walked around town for so long my legs hurt.

I'm all about the rock luxe look that's around at the moment. It's just like the shops have read my mind & decided to stock the kinds of things I like. So, in celebration I'm going to blow some hard-earned on deconstructed jumper dresses and pleater this weeked.

It's so long since I shopped, I'm pretty fucking excited.
How lame.

I haven't been climbing in over a week. My fingernails have grown so long.
Never fear though, off to Cayleigh tomorrow for bouldering and battling with ferns.

I think my incredibly filth work mug keeps me healthy. The thick layer of tea staining tops up enough bacteria to keep my immune system on its toes and ready for a high leve attack.

Successfully resisted the urge to neck a bottle of cava on lunchbreak.
It would've made the afternoon more interesting, but it's a career limiting move for sure.

This weekend I

• had a long weekend and spent the Friday on an ‘observation shift’ with the Fire Service
• I had a go at hose rolling (turns out I’m not great at this!)
• did some hose unrolling (more fun that it sounds)
• had a tour of a pump
• went out on two ‘shouts’ – blue lights, sirens and bull horn!
• wore breathing apparatus (BA) in a smoke filled room
• tried out the inflatable pads used to lift vehicles etc
• and had a go with the expansion too

I also

• went mountain biking at Coed y Brenin with Silverstormy
• did my first ever MB route
• then did my second ever route, and made it about 80% of the way round without pushing (some sections were a bit too scary)
• made a mash-up of the two routes above
• let out an involuntary ‘whoop’ on a really good bit
• camped in a car park
• ate a huge piece of cake
• and boil in the bag curry (the best camping food and only £1 a sachet)

Islanders from the northern isles protecting immigrants from deportation

Since visiting Orkney, I've been kind of in love.

It's such a relaxing, open, wonderful place. Island life is most appealing and I'm hoping they recruit in my field so I can flee up north to live (I can hack the short short winters days, and lack of bouldering...)

Also, my Grandad was stationed on Hoy during the war - the story goes there were three of them, and one rifle.

Today I came across some very old news about islanders fighting immigration officials to protect immigrants from being deported. Good people.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2004/apr/19/immigrationandpublicservices.burma

Vignette: Family values

My mum dropped in to see me yesterday

Mum: We went out with so and so and their daughter the other night, she looked really pretty.
Mum: You look pretty too, sometimes
Mum: Like when you wear some make up and have your hair down
Me: Thanks...
Mum: But not when you scrawp your hair back, and have no make up on, like when you came to see me at work the other week. You didn't look really pretty then.
Me: Yes I did.*
Mum: Aww [ed. patronising tone]

Ah, parents. Why do you say these things?

* Yes, I actually said that! Haha! Go self esteem.

Stick to the list

So, I've been ticking things off my recent wish list.

Bat for lashes album:
I like it. A reviewer for the Guardian Weekend Guide said it would only appeal to 'people who watch the Culture Show. Scumbags basically' That's me told, then.

The jeans:
I got them, with a discount code (yay!). But - they sucked. What a weird fit. Huge and too small at the same time. Kudos though to Howies who exchanged them for the mens version, all the while honouring the original discount. The mens ones are 100% better.

Strawberry hair:
Hello highlights and lowlights. My hair is stripey like a raspberry ripple ice cream. Love.

Pet pied wagtail:
My friend bought me a little pied wagtail RSPB pin. Adorable, and less mess than a pet bird. Thanks Gareth!

Still working on:
Dartmoor
On the back burner:
new Au Revoir Simone album

What gives?

If you want something doing, ask a busy person - or so the saying goes. I'm not actually sure how it applies in real life though.

As a self confessed 'busy person', I tend to have a lot on my plate and an eagerness to add even more despite my better judgement. Sadly, and even more, frustratingly, this means things just don't get done.

Example - I recently volunteered for a 5 week first aid evening class. Free, interesting, with a qualification at the end. However this took up one of my week day evenings - my precious training, volunteering or second jobbing time. Something had to give. In fact, two things 'gave' to allow me to complete the course - my training and work on my second job.

Frustratingly, this means I've lost some strength and fitness because of reduced training, and increased fatigue from the late night class room sessions. I've also lost motivation for my 'second job' and am loathe to give up my little free (read training!) time to sit at a computer and do more work. Even if that work is work I'm meant to love.

I'm burnt out. I'm not achieving my goals, or meeting deadlines I've set myself. I'm letting the side down. I feel guilty, but also far too tired to do anything useful about it other than worry.

Do you tend towards over burdening yourself with tasks, training goals, hobbies and commitments? How do you prioritise which gives and which wins in the battle for precious time?

Sometimes I just need to loose it, get wasted, do something regretable and dangerous with a stranger, walk home without shoes in the early hours and sleep for a day a night and a day.

All this exercising and clean living is KILLING ME!

Why does society insist we abandon the good times? Friends, shirk your responsbilities! Meet me in the park, bring spirits and skunk.

It'll be blast (from the past).
Teenagers will laugh at us.

Update 4/8/09
Phew. Have recovered from self-destruct mode.