I’m beginning to notice a rhythm, I think it is my circadian rhythm but I’m not sure. It starts and ends at the beginning of the month, which is now, and is also why I have noticed it.
At the moment I’m treading water. My head is still above the surface and I can breathe, but every-so-often I splutter as I sink below the water and run out of breath. This is the feeling I get at the beginning.
I don’t want to sink again, but I really want to stop treading the water. I am tired. I feel as if I am paying lip service to life, when really I want to pack it all in, go back home, get into bed and sleep. I crave sleep like an addict. I’m euphoric when I get my fix and I hate everyone and everything when I loose out.
Today the tears are prickling the back of my eyes. I have too much stored inside, my self pity, self hatred because of this, sorrow for the stories I read everyday and joy for successes I see. I know when it’s starting because I cry at the t.v. Last night I cried at the House of Obsessive Compulsives – I get so involved with stories and people sometimes, I was overjoyed at their successes.
I wonder if knowing the rhythm will help fight the rhythm. Today I think it will be a loosing battle because I have no fight in me. I don’t want to fight anymore. Today I want to succumb. Today I can’t.
I have so much trouble talking about what’s inside. I am ashamed about the way I feel and like the anonymity provided to me here. I don’t know if it’s because those I turn to can’t or wont understand, but I get no comfort from it.
More often than not it turns into a competition. My partner responds to my thougts by bulldozing over them with comments about himself, how he feels. I try to avoid this situation. It doesn’t work.
He sees (or doesn’t see) me open up, and reads it as a cue for him to offload onto me. I don’t think he realises this is give and take of a different nature. He’s never been very good at support or sympathy. He has never had to learn these skills.
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2 comments:
Sad to read this. A realy moving, expressive post. You write: "I wonder if knowing the rhythm will help fight the rhythm. Today I think it will be a losing battle because I have no fight in me. I don’t want to fight anymore. Today I want to succumb. Today I can’t.". I have been in a similar place too. I don't know if knowledge is power - i used to think it would be, now I'm less sure... but that's me, and you are you, so it might be different for you..
I watched the OCD programme - I didn't cry, but I was very moved and affected by it. Did you see 'Sad to be Gay' tonight? I was moved again.
Sorry to hear that things at home are not always good for you
Take care
B
Thanks very much for you comment broke.
I feel the same way about knowledge/power. It can be comforting to indentify a problem, once you know what it is you can have a good go at solving it, but at the same time ignorance really can be bliss.
I read a good blog about knowledge and power in relation to communication of lefty and feminist ideas at Cassandra says. She suggests that the tools knowledge gives us to convey our ideas can often work against us, especially if we're trying to communicate with someone who has a different tool set.
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