I’m beginning to notice a rhythm, I think it is my circadian rhythm but I’m not sure. It starts and ends at the beginning of the month, which is now, and is also why I have noticed it.
At the moment I’m treading water. My head is still above the surface and I can breathe, but every-so-often I splutter as I sink below the water and run out of breath. This is the feeling I get at the beginning.
I don’t want to sink again, but I really want to stop treading the water. I am tired. I feel as if I am paying lip service to life, when really I want to pack it all in, go back home, get into bed and sleep. I crave sleep like an addict. I’m euphoric when I get my fix and I hate everyone and everything when I loose out.
Today the tears are prickling the back of my eyes. I have too much stored inside, my self pity, self hatred because of this, sorrow for the stories I read everyday and joy for successes I see. I know when it’s starting because I cry at the t.v. Last night I cried at the House of Obsessive Compulsives – I get so involved with stories and people sometimes, I was overjoyed at their successes.
I wonder if knowing the rhythm will help fight the rhythm. Today I think it will be a loosing battle because I have no fight in me. I don’t want to fight anymore. Today I want to succumb. Today I can’t.
I have so much trouble talking about what’s inside. I am ashamed about the way I feel and like the anonymity provided to me here. I don’t know if it’s because those I turn to can’t or wont understand, but I get no comfort from it.
More often than not it turns into a competition. My partner responds to my thougts by bulldozing over them with comments about himself, how he feels. I try to avoid this situation. It doesn’t work.
He sees (or doesn’t see) me open up, and reads it as a cue for him to offload onto me. I don’t think he realises this is give and take of a different nature. He’s never been very good at support or sympathy. He has never had to learn these skills.