The past few weeks have been hard. Starting a new job is not easy at the best of times, but starting a new job when you can’t keep your head together when the ride is at its smoothest is no lark in the park.
I am hell to bear. I am nerves. I am frustration. I am disappointment. I am difficult. I am unpredicatable. I am distraught. I’m not happy.
But when I stop sulking, stop crying, stop pining, stop dreaming, the outside would have you believe it had all gone away. That’s their perception anyway. It’s a surprise when ugly comes back again, when sadness blows in again, when I crawl away, taking refuge from the world outside.
I’ve succeeded though, to go to work despite the overwhelming desperation to avoid. I have done my duty every day. Every one is nice. They’re all perfect. I am wrong.
I have to ‘get over it, to ‘put it into perspective’. Have to ignore it all and push it away.
I am so scared of failure. I am scared to fall. I have nowhere left for my thoughts to go.
I am a pain. I am an inconvenience. I am a parasite. I am ungrateful. I’m not what you thought you were getting. You can’t listen to me anymore. You yell. You cringe. You wait for it to blow up in your face.
I hate you for it.
You hate me for it.
Is this what 'last legs' feels like?