This is not a test. Unless it is, and no one told me so I haven't revised, which means I'm going to fail. Thanks for that.
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Saturday, April 22, 2006

Letter to the man who should know better.

The past few weeks have been hard. Starting a new job is not easy at the best of times, but starting a new job when you can’t keep your head together when the ride is at its smoothest is no lark in the park.

I am hell to bear. I am nerves. I am frustration. I am disappointment. I am difficult. I am unpredicatable. I am distraught. I’m not happy.

But when I stop sulking, stop crying, stop pining, stop dreaming, the outside would have you believe it had all gone away. That’s their perception anyway. It’s a surprise when ugly comes back again, when sadness blows in again, when I crawl away, taking refuge from the world outside.

I’ve succeeded though, to go to work despite the overwhelming desperation to avoid. I have done my duty every day. Every one is nice. They’re all perfect. I am wrong.

I have to ‘get over it, to ‘put it into perspective’. Have to ignore it all and push it away.

I am so scared of failure. I am scared to fall. I have nowhere left for my thoughts to go.

I am a pain. I am an inconvenience. I am a parasite. I am ungrateful. I’m not what you thought you were getting. You can’t listen to me anymore. You yell. You cringe. You wait for it to blow up in your face.

I hate you for it.
You hate me for it.

Is this what 'last legs' feels like?


Katharina said...

Thank you for posting this. I know it was not meant to console anyone but this is exactly how I feel right now.

Laurelin said...

Oh TP, I wish I had something useful to say. I'll just offer you my love hugs and support instead. love L xxx

Jeepers said...

tp, darling, it's going to get better. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Some things to try? 1) Take an extremely long walk to the edge of town, 2) Put yourself in silent mode for a day (no talking), 3) Think ahead three years from now 4) Write a fantasy paragraph or two about how you want things to be 5) Call someone you know is having a hard time and try to cheer them up 6) bake something 7) Keep a "gratitude journal" for a week, where you note three happy/beautiful/useful things that you saw or thought of during the day. Laurelin's right, sometimes there's nothing, not even tips, that seem to help. So hugs and kisses too. xo
Emily (Jeepers)

TP said...

Thanks everyone.

I wrote L a proper letter, and gave it to him to read. It was really difficult, but he was very supportive and things have been a lot better for me the past couple of days.

Winter said...

I'm very glad things are better xx.

Laura said...

Me too :) xx

lost clown said...

I'm glad that things have gotten better. **Hugs** darling.