This is not a test. Unless it is, and no one told me so I haven't revised, which means I'm going to fail. Thanks for that.
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tears and upset at bedtime.

I spent much of yesterday evening working on two application forms for jobs in the social services working in support/therapy for people with learning difficulties and mental health problems. The more I looked at the person specification the more I realised there was not a chance in hell that I would get either job, or even be interviewed. I don’t really know why I continued to apply, and why I posted the application forms off at all. Maybe I hate myself and I like to get rejected again and again!

I went home (I had to use my parents’ computer to do the forms) and my partner was sitting on the sofa. When I got in he picked up that I was upset straight away and quizzed me to find out why. I tried to put him off, I always do that. We went to bed, and I still felt horrible about the fact that I am a total failure and will rot in the stuffy basement of this charity forever. I have no patience and I want change now. He told me there was more to life than work. I know. I know I should be glad that I’ve even got a job, and I am. Still, there were tears and upset before bedtime. Irrational, yes.

My partner tried to reassure me that I was not a complete failure, that it didn’t matter that I didn’t get a first at uni, that I could do anything I wanted to, that I had a lot to be proud of. I know all that. But I don’t believe it. I only believe the person inside that tells me I am going to fail at everything I do.

I don’t know why stupid little things are so huge and ruin the entire world for me.

3 comments:

Chameleon said...

He is right, you know: you are not by any stretch of the imagination a failure. I am reassured that, deep down, you know yourself. I can also totally relate to your desire for change right away and your frustration. I feel trapped in my job and couldn't possibly give it up for what in an ideal world I would do instead (full time research and writing), as I have a partner and a sprog to feed. When the urge to change strikes it can be pretty much unbearable - give Eddie lots of hugs, his cute little Guinea innocence will help cheer you up and keep sending application forms - sooner or later something will turn up (that's what I always tell myself when my applications for internal transfer are turned down).
Hugs, Chameleon

Laurelin said...

Oh TP, I'm sorry. I basically want to repeat exactly what Chameleon just said, since she phrased it so well. Love and mega hugs xxxxxx

TP said...

Thank you both so much.

Your support and empathy is so valuable.